Friday, April 27, 2012

The 2nd lost

Salam.

(This entry was written last night, but continued to this morning..)

At 10 weeks 7 days, Allah took away our little precious. As 2 weeks ago during check up it was all fine and healthy, this is quite a shocked for us.

I don't know where to begin coz I'm feeling very lost now. Never cross my mind, to experience the lost for the 2nd time within 6 months. It felt like yesterday when I had my miscarriage, got pregnant n losing it, again.

It all started yesterday during the routine check up. My gynae suggested us to have check up every 2 weeks as I had past history of miscarriage. 2 weeks ago, everything was fine, we also heard the baby's heart beat. But yesterday, something doesn't look good, when Dr scan there was blood outside of the amniotic sac. So he further scanned and couldn't detect a heart beat or pulse. He started asking question whether i had any bleeding or cramping or pain and i said no, I'm feeling ok.The moment he said something is not right, it blown away my mind and my gut feeling is telling me it's gonna happen again. I prayed hard, deep inside hoping that Allah, the only one that can fix whatever is wrong with the baby.

Dr didn't say much, he suggested to go for a blood test and come again the next morning. I thought that was the right thing to do, as I wasn't really listening the moment he gave that look to me when he did the scanning. Hubby's face looked so lost and I knew he was having the same thought and feeling as I was.

So the moment we went out from the room, there went ALL my tears. I was hugging Hubby, I couldn't take it. In the car it was getting worst and I cried out loud. My dear Hubby was holding it back, but I saw tears was also coming out while he was driving and I was still in tears. I kept asking him why? Why? And why? I know I was being irrational. Called mom & Abah, I couldn't say hello and my mom already knew what's happening.

Back home, after having some thought and also googling, we decided to go for 2nd opinion. So the other gynae specialist also said the same thing, there's no heart beat, the baby has gone since a week or maybe 3-5 days ago.

Then, I have started accepting the fate and telling myself, maybe Allah is testing us again. I was praying and humbly seek forgiveness from Allah, if this baby is not meant to be with us, please show us the right path and decision and take away the baby from us, by all means. If its a rezeki and Amanah that Allah dah takdirkan utk kami, peliharalah anak kami dan permudahkan segalanya.

So, this morning we went to see Dr again and he did internal check up and still, there was not heart beat. We actually had a ticket to go back KL and go for holiday in PD. Dr said, he won't allow me to travel if I still decided to keep the baby or let it our naturally. Honestly, he was saying that, a miracle is not going to happen, as the baby had died few days or maybe a week ago. The reason was because the umbilical cord had separated so that explained why as baby couldn't get any oxygen or supply.

Dr let us to decide and hubby said let's just proceed with D&C and I couldn't agree more and Dr said it was a wise decision. So I will be able to recover and travel back to KL. If its wasn't for Naufal, Hubby would prefer to stay and rest in KK. But few days ago we keep telling him that he's gonna see his cousins and we'll go for holiday at the beach and going to zoo. So Naufal was all excited and pity him, if we cancel the trip. Let me sacrificed the pain, for him.

There goes my story. When things like this happen, it makes me even stronger and have faith and believed in Allah's plan. Hubby keep saying that he doesn't want me to pregnant again, coz he couldn't bear to see the pain that I've been through. So this is considered my 4th surgery (ovarian cysts in UK, caesar, twice of D&C).

You know, I was informed by HR that they will bring up my name for promotion in May and now Allah tarik balik rezeki anak. Redha dgn ujian Allah, tanda Allah sayang pada kita. I know, people have experienced worst than mine, which makes me think, mine is not as bad as others. I came across one article which very much related and I think semua org pun boleh benefit from this.

http://www.life-verses.protajdid.com/?p=458

Oklah, I'll continue in the next post, with some pics. Alhamdulillah, kitaorg dah kebumikan janin kt belakang rumah td. :(

Tq hubby for the unconditional support and also everyone for your prayers.

Al-Fatihah to our little fetus.

Amin.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:KK

7 comments:

Cery said...

sob sob....
sabar beb.. Allah knows best...
peluk Naufal kuat2 ya..

sha said...

Sedih..
I know that no words can really heal u at the moment..
Semoga akak n family tabah.

~ez~ said...

hmm..sgt sedih.tak terbayang perasaan akak.tp ez doakan semua yg terbaik utk akak..semoga akak tabah..

rafaliah said...

sabar fizza..
haf a good rest, take care of urself.
banyakkan zikir YaHayyuYaQayyum dan LahaulaWalaQuwwataILLAHBILLAH..inshaALLAH, kau akan diberi kekuatan menghadapi dugaan ini dengan pertolongan ALLAH berserta dengan rahmatNYA..
take care dear..

Em's Family said...

sabar yer.. i tak tau nak cakap ape, i know its too late, sorry i just read this post.

but anyway, at least, u know at least, i dunno i should say this.. at least u got a chance to get pregnant..

unlike me... tak de rezeki lagi... and emir pun dah enam tahun.. depressed in my own world..

take care ok.. Allah is always beside us..

Em's Family said...

sabar yer.. i tak tau nak cakap ape, i know its too late, sorry i just read this post.

but anyway, at least, u know at least, i dunno i should say this.. at least u got a chance to get pregnant..

unlike me... tak de rezeki lagi... and emir pun dah enam tahun.. depressed in my own world..

take care ok.. Allah is always beside us..

~Mrs Fred~ said...

Mira,

its ok, TQ so much and really appreciate your concern and I know there are still ppl out there trying hard to get babies..

But the pain of losing it twice is just so devastated and painful for me, but alhamdulillah so far I'm slowly accepting the fate and Allah has a better plan next time, insyaAllah..

Praying the best for you too! Amin.. Moga2 Allah kabulkan doa2 kita, insyaAllah..

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