23 weeks

Salam.

I finally got myself an iPad mini, the iPad 1 is officially Naufal's now. Hehe.

Anyway, alhamdulillah, I'm on my 23 weeks of pregnancy. So far it has not been as smooth as during Naufal's pregnancy, too many things happen and I've also cried so many times. Seems a little bit sensitive this round and I thought I could be a baby girl but its gonna be a boy instead. ;)

Actually, something happened 2 days after we came back from UK. When Naufal woke me up to pee-pee around 5am, I felt something came up from the bottom. My panties was wet as well as my pants. So I was really panicked, but since husband was not around I tried to be calm. After a while the fluid stopped. I couldn't think of anyone that I wanted to seek for help and I waited until 7.00am, immediately sent Naufal to school and I drove straight to my gynae. Unfortunately, my doc was not around until 12 noon, so I was warded and they monitored the baby's heart beat. Then it was confirmed that the baby heart's still ok, so the mid wife asked me whether was it really the amniotic fluid? I said I'm not sure, but I remembered when I had Naufal, it was the water that came out first.

Doc arrived around 1pm so he asked few questions and did ultrasound and finally vagina examination (VE). Ultrasound was ok, he said it couldn't be the amniotic fluid coz everything seems fine, he suspected probably its a fungus infection. Ouchh. I have no idea!

So yes, it was confirmed a fungus or yeast infection. Uh! Alhamdulillah, so glad to hear that. So he gave some cream to put on the itchy area and also pills to be inserted and that is the most uncomfortable part! Hubby already rushed back home from offshore, coz he was so worried when I informed him.

That was why I said this pregnancy is a really tough one. During the early days, it was the brown spotting, then very bad fever n flu all the times, unmanageable stress at work and also about the house renovation in Seremban and recently the infection. So far I only gained 6 kilos! It's pretty cool coz during Naufal's time I already gained like 12-14 kilos at 22 weeks! But as long as the baby growth's is ok nothing much to worry la kan.

May Allah ease this journey, please pray for a safe pregnancy and delivery for me & the baby. Little man, stay strong, OK! Amin.

Back in the kitchen

Salam.

I didn't realize that I was so emotional in the previous post. Anyway, what past is past and there's NOTHING I could do to change it, but at least I have the guts to tell my boss how I felt. Haha.

So, anyways.. Hubby is now back onshore and I'm putting back my chef hat and I'll go back home as early as 4.30pm.

Hubby as usual requested for masak lomak cili api as the 1st dish at home. hehe. Tonight I've cooked daging, I couldn't recalled how much I put the cili padi but when we were having dinner Hubby was sweating, for the 1st time. Well, he asked for it, kasi pedas sikit, so I did put more than usual.

Sorry cayang, lets neutralized back by having fish soup tomorrow. hehe.

Well, this is the most satisfying job ever. :p

On the other hand, my check up with ObGynae is now bi-weekly. Alhamdulillah, I'm now on my 14 weeks, 2 days. Doc started to provide me with Obimin pluz & calcium. God knows how big the tablets are and I feel like throwing out few seconds after I swallowed them. I didnt take anything else other than what Doc had prescribed me. Even my mealshake or ESP.

So far the growth looks good and on track, alhamdulillah. Only Allah knows how I really feel during this pregnancy. After 2 miscarriages, I got a mixed feeling whether I will be able to make it until 40 weeks. Its a scary thing and traumatic for me, but insyaAllah, I know I'll be good in Allah's hand. Think positive and never has doubt in whatever Allah has plan for us.

Surah An'am: " He knows all that lies beyond the reach of human perception as well as all that is visible to man; He is the All-Wise, the All-Aware.."

May Allah ease this pregnancy journey! Amin.

Sick

Salam.

Oh I have no been feeling very well since the last post hence this blog was in hiatus mode. In fact, I was so sick until I could get up from the bed.

Alhamdulillah, after 4 days of fever, gastric, flu & cough, I have finally recovered, well not fully yet though. But at least it gave me xtra energy to take care my sick boy and I think I got it from him. The whole week he was at home and didn't go to school.

Hubby left for USM Penang this morning so I hope I'm gonna be ok, so glad that my mom is here, at least somebody can cook nice food at home coz I know I won't be cooking if I'm alone. Hehe.

So far, alhamdulillah. Reviews have been OK and looks like the growth is as per EDD. Nothing unusual but my doc said lets not assume anything yet coz remember the last time we lost the baby everything was fine until the next check up when we found out there was no heart beat. I told doctor that I'm quite nervous when its approaching 10 weeks (I'm now 8weeks+). So he said pray hard and DON'T eat, drink, do anything weird. And I asked how weird is weird? Haha. Coz he said all the tests he carried out seems very normal and healthy so nothing is wrong but yet it was mysterious why the recurrent miscarriages. Better be safe, just eat healthily, rest a lot and don't travel far. Even to kundasang. Oh my, that is so depressing. But, what choice do I have now?

Hopefully Allah will protect us and ease my pregnancy journey this time which so far, had been quite tough with all the of sick ness. Doctor also said next time if u got fever come to see him and he will put me in the hospital. Staying at home will takes longer time to recover and of course i got a week MC. Hehe.

Oklah, gotta sleep now. Pray for me, people.

Thanks a lot!

Xoxo.

Positive

Salam.

Happy new year bloggers!



Well, today is Naufal's 1st day of school. He was at first pretty excited, woke up early, had his cereal and then enter the school. The actual drama all started when he saw his friends were crying out loud like nobody's business and then only he started getting emosional. Oh, did I tell you that he is so manja with me, he sleeps on my arms every single night!


Anyway, we decided not to stay longer coz we knew it's gonna be harder for him so we left after an hour. It was heartbroken to see him giving me 'that face' so I was also in tears (pregnancy hormone ok! Hehe) When we picked him up, his teacher said he did cry and he also admitted that. He said 'Naufal cry so many times, Naufal said I want mommy and I want to go home'. Shame la you boy! Hehe

That's why I took leave today. I also had appointment with my gynae. I had ultrasound but couldn't see a fetus, only the sac (now I'm worry). Then he said maybe it's still to early and too deep so it's not clear. Or maybe he was saying this to make me feel good? I don't know. See the small hole? That's the sac. Today I'm exactly six weeks, alhamdulillah.


So Doc prescribed me with some medication which he said might help and this is the best we can do and try. I'll be having a detail blood test on Monday, coz I'm now in KL and will need to fast. I knew Doc will say no traveling and I told him that I'm going back to KL at 5.30pm today. Huhu. He'll also issue a letter for that (no traveling) so I was joking that maybe I need a rest or MC? hehe.

I know I shouldn't he traveling but I really néed to go home to sign stuff with the bank. It's the home loan for the house renovation in Seremban. Praying hard that Allah will protect both of us. After twice miscarriages, it's so hard to think positive. I never want it to happen again but it's always this little voice saying what if it happen again.. So I'm getting a bit of phobia of pregnancy.

Basically these are the multivitamins and medication that I consumed everyday. I'll make sure that I don't miss any of it. Doc wanted to prescribe vitamins but I said I still have mine. So he just gave the other 2 pills.




Vitamin E & Omega missed out from this pics. Just sempat grab this 3 (C, B complex & colic acid) je tadi when I was packing.



Progesterone is a hormon pill. So you see how much do I need to swallow everyday? It's like a dozen. But this progesterone is inserted via v*gin*. OK, quite a relief coz at least I don't have to telan. Haha. But it makes me dizzy laaa..

So oklah, good luck to me! I really hope i can dicipline myself to take all these pills..

Gotta need some rest here. Hope Allah will ease my journey and protect us from any harm.

Bye!

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pre new year post

Salam.

OK, I'm still gathering best photos for 2012. So much of ups and down, sad and tears but alhamdulillah, Allah has given us the greatest gift of the year, yet again, as a closing for 2012 despite all the bitter memories.
I couldn't be more thankful ever.

Work wise, well, what do you expect lah kan, of course it was depressing and stressful but there were few things that I felt satisfied with what I've done and alhamdulillah able to contribute to the company's business. Chewah, gila patriotic.. haha.. Although performance rating is not out yet, I dont really bother anymore, Allah  works in so many ways to grant us the rezeki, if its meant to be. No matter how high flyer you are, there will always be somebody try to bring you down and its happens soooooo many times that people yg x buat keje sgt, kipas2 bos, present je (itupun amik presentation pack org! cess!!) will shine. So life isn't fair, yes. But Allah is always fair. Keep that in mind.

Business pulak, not too bad, I was able to generate RM1.5K - 2K per month, with Sh4kl33 and 3lken. Alhamdulillah. 2013 nak target high sikit, I really need extra money coz dah pokai and berabis buat rumah cost almost RM400K kat Seremban. Huhu. Xpelah, at least my parents and siblings dpt merasa jugak. InsyaAllah, rezeki x ke mana kan. So, there'll be no more changing cars to our dream cars in the next 10 yrs. haha.

This Monday will be my 1st check up with my gynae, sgt nervous. Phobia pun ada. But I'm trying my very best to be positive, berserah byk2 pada Allah, only Him. He knows whats best for us. I hope this pregnancy journey will go smoothly, Amin. But seriously, pimples!!! Oh man, this is my first time dealing with this situation. OK, mmg kena pakai mask at least twice a week.

Ok ppl, gotta get some sleep now. Naufal needs my arms, baru terlelap. My manja boy!

Bye! Have a great weekend.

True

Salam.

So true;


Alhamdulillah, great gift from Allah, most awaited.



May Allah ease this journey, Amin. Pray for us..

xoxo

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Salam.

Yesterday I was quite excited to post on something, but now not anymore.

My period has delayed for 4 days which is something that never happened before. So I thought, oh, it could be, right. But all the results went negative when I took the test. Previous pregnancies I took the test on the expected period date itself and got positive.

Anyway, it is heartbroken to then realize that I got my period today. :( And I was crying in the toilet, I let it out for 10 mins.

Maybe because everyone else around me is getting pregnant and just got their new babies. By right, I now should have a baby in my arms as last Friday was my expected due date.

I know, people will say, well, at least u already have a child. But hey, experiencing a miscarriage - twice is definitely tough to handle. It's a tragic loss, traumatic and heartbroken. You'll keep looking on the calendar and somehow realized that you aren't pregnant anymore.

Perhaps I've been working too hard, I really need a break.

Ok, I should stop here before my tears keep on running.

Ya Allah, I humbly seek for your forgiveness. Please give me courage and strength to go through this.

Amin.


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Dream

Salam,

Last night I had a dream.

I was pregnant again, with twins.

And I now still in my period, so its not going to happen kan. I should stop browsing baby clothing online, I blame QasehHannani coz byk sgt baju lawa2 and I couldnt help it.

Zura jgn marah aku kira promote jugak ni.. hehe.

Bye.

Babies

Salam.

This month seems like a babies month coz many of my close friends having their newborn or just got pregnant. So yes, it did remind me to my unborn babies.

Ok, I know, what past is past but it is easier said than done. I am still struggling my best to mend the broken heart and spirit. I seldom in the office, always find ways to be out of the office coz I just can't. People may say I looked strong, but deep inside only Allah knows and I doubt that Hubby also knew that I nangis everytime after prayers when he is not around for 2 weeks.

What makes it harder is one of my colleague in the office (one of among the closest one) is pregnant has the same due date as mine. When we first told each other bout the due date, dua2 menjerit coz x sangka sama date! And excited jugak. But then, Allah penentu segala.

So, I sometimes trying to avoid bumped into her coz I knew I won't be any good in pretending that I'm ok about the lost. Oh, Don't get me wrong, I always doakan the best for my pregnant friends, hoping that they will not have to go through what I had been.

Ok, I really need to stop here. Oh, don't worry, I think I wrote this because of the PMS.

Bye.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:KL

The 2nd lost

Salam.

(This entry was written last night, but continued to this morning..)

At 10 weeks 7 days, Allah took away our little precious. As 2 weeks ago during check up it was all fine and healthy, this is quite a shocked for us.

I don't know where to begin coz I'm feeling very lost now. Never cross my mind, to experience the lost for the 2nd time within 6 months. It felt like yesterday when I had my miscarriage, got pregnant n losing it, again.

It all started yesterday during the routine check up. My gynae suggested us to have check up every 2 weeks as I had past history of miscarriage. 2 weeks ago, everything was fine, we also heard the baby's heart beat. But yesterday, something doesn't look good, when Dr scan there was blood outside of the amniotic sac. So he further scanned and couldn't detect a heart beat or pulse. He started asking question whether i had any bleeding or cramping or pain and i said no, I'm feeling ok.The moment he said something is not right, it blown away my mind and my gut feeling is telling me it's gonna happen again. I prayed hard, deep inside hoping that Allah, the only one that can fix whatever is wrong with the baby.

Dr didn't say much, he suggested to go for a blood test and come again the next morning. I thought that was the right thing to do, as I wasn't really listening the moment he gave that look to me when he did the scanning. Hubby's face looked so lost and I knew he was having the same thought and feeling as I was.

So the moment we went out from the room, there went ALL my tears. I was hugging Hubby, I couldn't take it. In the car it was getting worst and I cried out loud. My dear Hubby was holding it back, but I saw tears was also coming out while he was driving and I was still in tears. I kept asking him why? Why? And why? I know I was being irrational. Called mom & Abah, I couldn't say hello and my mom already knew what's happening.

Back home, after having some thought and also googling, we decided to go for 2nd opinion. So the other gynae specialist also said the same thing, there's no heart beat, the baby has gone since a week or maybe 3-5 days ago.

Then, I have started accepting the fate and telling myself, maybe Allah is testing us again. I was praying and humbly seek forgiveness from Allah, if this baby is not meant to be with us, please show us the right path and decision and take away the baby from us, by all means. If its a rezeki and Amanah that Allah dah takdirkan utk kami, peliharalah anak kami dan permudahkan segalanya.

So, this morning we went to see Dr again and he did internal check up and still, there was not heart beat. We actually had a ticket to go back KL and go for holiday in PD. Dr said, he won't allow me to travel if I still decided to keep the baby or let it our naturally. Honestly, he was saying that, a miracle is not going to happen, as the baby had died few days or maybe a week ago. The reason was because the umbilical cord had separated so that explained why as baby couldn't get any oxygen or supply.

Dr let us to decide and hubby said let's just proceed with D&C and I couldn't agree more and Dr said it was a wise decision. So I will be able to recover and travel back to KL. If its wasn't for Naufal, Hubby would prefer to stay and rest in KK. But few days ago we keep telling him that he's gonna see his cousins and we'll go for holiday at the beach and going to zoo. So Naufal was all excited and pity him, if we cancel the trip. Let me sacrificed the pain, for him.

There goes my story. When things like this happen, it makes me even stronger and have faith and believed in Allah's plan. Hubby keep saying that he doesn't want me to pregnant again, coz he couldn't bear to see the pain that I've been through. So this is considered my 4th surgery (ovarian cysts in UK, caesar, twice of D&C).

You know, I was informed by HR that they will bring up my name for promotion in May and now Allah tarik balik rezeki anak. Redha dgn ujian Allah, tanda Allah sayang pada kita. I know, people have experienced worst than mine, which makes me think, mine is not as bad as others. I came across one article which very much related and I think semua org pun boleh benefit from this.

http://www.life-verses.protajdid.com/?p=458

Oklah, I'll continue in the next post, with some pics. Alhamdulillah, kitaorg dah kebumikan janin kt belakang rumah td. :(

Tq hubby for the unconditional support and also everyone for your prayers.

Al-Fatihah to our little fetus.

Amin.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:KK

Losing

Salam.

I can't hold back the tears anymore. It's coming on and on.

Ya Allah, I humbly seek for forgiveness, patience and guidance to go through this again.

I took blood test today and we'll see how it goes tomorrow. Whatever it is, I'm praying that I'm patience enough to accept the fate.

Pray for me, and my little fetus.

Amin.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:KK

Triple celebration

Salam.

Alhamdulillah, Allah works in the greatest way that we could never imagine. Syukran for the rezeki that we got in this month of March.

1. Bonus+performance bonus
2. Pregnant
3. Passed my assessment!!! Yuhuu..

On top of that, Hubby also passed his assessment and was recommended for promotion!

Ok, keep it low, hopefully it won't make us forget who we are and our main responsibility as a khalifah di bumi Allah, insyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah again. :)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:KK

Post Review

Salam.

As mentioned previously, I had my first review after the surgery with Dr Kr15h3n. He is really, a good and funny doctor.

So he confirmed through the ultrasound that the inside is clean already, nothing was left behind, alhamdulillah. However, he did suggest for us to come again after one month, just to double check. Before we started asking questions, he already explained and advised everything that we were about to ask. hihi.. That was exactly what I expected from a specialist. Not me asking a lot of questions.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking for the past few days. For now my heart is not thinking about office work anymore. In fact, I initially blamed my workload for what had happened. But after I did a lot of reading and research, miscarriage due to chromosome abnormalities is the most common reason. Knowing this, it sort of calm me down and I didn't feel that very much guilty anymore. I was blaming myself, stress of the workload and so on at first. Ok, true, things always happen for a reason and mmg ada hikmah yg besar which we never know for now. Allah is the greatest.

Nevertheless, I still have a strong feeling that the stress could be one of it. Since I knew I was pregnant, I was so overloaded with office work that sometimes I even feel like crying out loud. At one point, I just dont think I could handled the stress anymore. It was totally different with my 1st pregnancy, where I was very happy, calm and able to cope with workload - yalah, during that time I was still a junior, we have a boss and senior back then.

Now, its too much to handle. We are left with no manager for almost a year and even a senior staff in my section. My colleague, is now the acting manager (we are only 1 half years beza). Sometimes when he's not around, I have to act on behalf and time2 tu lah many things happened. I have 2 juniors under me, pastu keje2 diaorang yg tak siap pun I worried too much. So, dah jadi unnecessary stress for me. Yelah, boleh je biarkan junior tu - pandai2 lah nak hidup, but I'm not that type.

Thing will be different after this. I'll try to cope with the workload, pastu mana2 yg unnecessary stress tu malas nak fikir. I'm not trying to overstretch myself, I just wanna make sure that I will not be in the bottom list, at least.

Oklah, benda dah nak jadi, lesson learnt for me. Now, I am really looking forward for our next vacation!

Bye.

Post Natal Care

Salam,

Currently waiting for my tukang urut to arrive. Im starting my post natal care - urut, tungku & tangas session today for will continue until 5 days.

Well, I do feel the different now, coz the 1st pregnancy was C-Sect so you couldnt feel the different at the 'bottom part' & also rahim. But now since I had gone through D&C which is quite similar to normal delivery, it was weird! Sometimes I feel like mcm masuk angin or else. I rarely not on my socks, am wearing long sleeves at night or a cardigan. Worse if masa hujan, mmg rasa cam ngilu2 badan.

I first thought it is not necessary to berurut, since it was just a miscarriage. After a week resting, Im still feeling weak and sgt takut nak keluar rumah or jalan jauh2. (tp td terpaksa gi office buat claim yg melambak tu.. huhu). So Hubby also suggested that maybe I need a urut session. Luckily I still have the number, Mek yg tukang urut masa my 1st dulu. Mmg best! Terus turun sampai 8kg but seriously, yg bertangas tu mmg keluar air mata and selalu nak skip. 15 minutes felt like forever!

Seriously, now I am really berpantang mcm org bersalin. Dulu pantang jugak, but still ada malas2 pakai socks..hehe.. Skrang mmg x berani. I also feel that I need a fast recovery before going to work again lepas raya Haji.

So, ok lah, Mek will be here anytime. Can't wait!

Bye!